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Entries in Sports (9)


Deflategate Finally Broken Down

I know everyone’s been waiting for me to break down Deflategate. It’s like this…

Tom Brady just thought ball deflation was too stupid of a thing for people to ever care about. But Tom was wrong. He grossly underestimated the public’s capacity to care about stupid things.

So who’s stupid now, Tom?

This will be my last word on the subject, unless I think of anything else I want to say about it.



The Olympics have gotten too competitive. Have you noticed that, for some people, winning bronze is the crowning achievement of a lifetime? But for others, it means never being able to show your face in your country again? I think everyone should win something. So I’ve come up with some ideas for other prizes—besides gold, silver, and bronze medals—that could be awarded by the Olympic committee.

4th place: a plaque made out of actual podium materials, signed by the three medal-winners, saying, “Nice try. Better luck in four years.”

5th–10th place: a stray dog to take home with you. (You get a nice pet!)

11th place: a set of steak knives.

20th–29th place: the latest Pussy Riot album with all objectionable lyrics personally removed by Vladimir Putin. (It’s a 90-min blank CD, but hey, that’s cool.)

30th–39th place: a copy of Putin’s own dance-pop album, Putin on the Hits!

40th–49th place: a naturally polished rock from one of Sochi’s beautiful Black Sea beaches (that you happened to find on a walk one day).

50th–58th place: a tin can on a string with a Sharpie (write whatever you want on it).

59th place: a brand new car! (Why not mix it up a little, add a lottery element? Then people might actually want to come in 59th.)

66th to next-to-last place: a free 6-piece Chicken McNuggets. (You know that McDonald’s commercial where people are biting McNuggets and imagining them to be gold medals? Basically, you can do that.)

Last place: a custom-embossed envelope containing deportation papers from your home country.

Participation award: everyone who competes gets a commemorative T-shirt. I’ve been working on the design, below…


SONGBOOK: Tom Brady, Can You Sing?

Tom Brady can do it all...or can he? Here's a football song I wrote for the musically nerdy... (BTW, go Patriots!)

Fans of funny songs about New England sports, also check out: 



Crank up my new stadium rocker! Go Red Sox! Fear the Beards!



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To LeBron James, Who Appeared in My Dream

To LeBron James, who appeared in my dream last night:

Good to see you! However, was it necessary to throw that in-bound pass deliberately out of my reach and make me dive on the floor for it in such a humiliating way?

And later, when you passed me a softball instead of a basketball, that was pretty funny, but when I sank it from half-court, did you have to laugh and say, “Doesn’t count! Not a basketball!”? Why couldn’t we stick to the normal rules and equipment of the game?

Also, what were you doing coaching my junior high team? You’re one of the greatest NBA players ever, so why would you want to go back in time to South Paris, Maine, in my unconscious, and embarrass a middle school kid in front of his peers?

Your pal,


P.S. Hope to see you soon in another dream. And next time, let’s play some real one-on-one, you big pussy.


Usain Bolt's Goals, Post-2012 Olympics

Get “I’m a Legend” T-shirts silkscreened.

File for patent on celebratory pointing move.

See what happens if I run more than 200 meters.

 √    Break record for # of times saying “I’m the best” in TV interview.

Oust Apollo Ohno as Subway spokesperson.

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