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CASUAL PIMPIN': TWELVE TIGHT TUNES
See Tim perform stand-up:
Alexander Hamilton was a highly overrated founding father. He was very rude to Aaron Burr & should apologize immediately!
Patriotic Aaron Burr thanks me for protecting the 2nd amendment. Hillary would take his pistol away. Apologize, Hamilton!
Awkward Alexander Hamilton was never elected president. Not a hero! I like people who were president. I will do a great job!
Illegal Alexander Hamilton was born out of wedlock in the West Indies. Can't be president - not allowed. He should apologize!
Sleazy Al Hamilton had 1st US sex scandal. Mine was locker room talk, his adultery/blackmail. Disgusting subject for musical!
Sad Al Hamilton was Washington’s puppet - a totally weak main character for a Broadway show. I’m no puppet, believe me!
My business relationship with Argentina is fantastic. Totally ethical! Remember that Hamilton must apologize to Mike Pence
I respect our 1st amendment freedom of the press. They are free to come to Trump Tower and hear me call them liars. So dishonest!
Had a wonderful meeting with members of the press. That roomful of losers couldn't interrupt me! How'd it feel, Charlie Rose?
I should've canceled yesterday's media summit. My one &only mistake. Did I really let Wolf Blitzer into my home? Never again!
Obviously I have nothing to do with Nazi groups &condemn their actions. Appreciate the hails though! Better to reach me through Steve Bannon
I denounce the offensive graffiti at a park named for Adam Yauch, a horrible Jewish rapper who corrupted our youth with...was that singing?
So, Crooked Hillary won't be locked up. I don't want to hurt the Clintons. If I wanted to, I would! Not about justice, about my feelings
The president can't have a conflict of interest. I could use a nuclear threat to get a hotel built in No Korea &it would be OK. This is fun!
The NYTimes is failing, believe me. Since Chuck Klosterman took over as the Ethicist, all downhill. Also miss Mark Bittman! JK, I don't cook
The failing NYTimes is at it again. Lying press being very rough on me by quoting what I said on record. The Gray Lady is not a nice lady!
I hate small talk. Instead, I’m gonna try big talk…
On the Elevator:
“What if we all die in here? So, is death the extinction of the self, or is the self really just an illusion anyway? I mean, where were we before we were born, huh? Could somebody press 8?”
At the Copier:
"It's so weird that we're making copies when life itself is a simulacrum. Was it Umberto Eco who said the fake becomes the real in postmodernity? Anyway, I hear the universe may actually be a hologram on the surface of a black hole. Oh shit, it says replace toner."
"Why is coffee the only thing that's fairly traded? Every other product, we don't care how it got here. It’s like, thanks to globalization, we're all complicit with injustice of mind-blowing proportions, so we’ve fetishized this one commodity in order to assuage our guilt, you know? This better not be decaf."