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Friday
Feb282014

MANIFESTO! A Free Weekly Stand-Up Show


Every Tuesday at 8 pm, Tim Ellis and Mo Fathelbab host Manifesto! -- a comedy uprising in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn. They bring a lineup of the best comedians in NYC and beyond to the People's Republic of Brooklyn (247 Smith Street). The revolution will be hilarious...and FREE!

The Tues, April 29 lineup features these amazing performers*:

Alex Babbitt
Teresa DeGaetano
Sam Grittner
Lizzie Martinez
Joe Pera
Matt Schwartzer

And stop by early to catch or to be a part of the free open mic THIS IS HAPPENING, hosted by Dustin Drury! The weekly mic starts at 6:30 pm (sign up at 6).

Directions: Take the F or G train to Carroll Street, get off at the President Street exit, walk 3 1/2 blocks down Smith (away from the park), and you're there!

*Lineup is subject to change.

Wednesday
Feb262014

Dear New York: I'm the New Alec Baldwin

This week, Alec Baldwin published a New York Magazine piece announcing that he is getting out of the city, and the public eye, for good. I just want to say, to showbiz and the media—I’m willing to take his place. I think I’m really right for the job, because Alec Baldwin and I have a lot in common.  

For one thing, our hair is kind of similar. (See photo above.)

Alec Baldwin is known as a great New York actor, the kind of guy you might see performing in Shakespeare in the Park. I’ve done Shakespeare in a Parking Lot, on the Lower East Side. What could be more “New York” than having a Dept. of Sanitation truck drive through during your soliloquy in A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Alec Baldwin was on 30 Rock for seven seasons, and I auditioned for 30 Rock once. I didn’t get the part, but I almost had a scene with Alec Baldwin, and I’m sure we would’ve become close, because we’re so much alike. 

Alec Baldwin was married to Kim Basinger, and I’ve had sex with Kim Basinger many times, in my mind. (It’s usually like that scene in 9 ½ Weeks—she’s blindfolded, and I’m feeding her exotic foods, like nachos and buffalo wings. She’ll be like, “What’s that?” You know, all turned on. And I’ll say, “Blue cheese, babe.” Then I go to the fridge to get something else to tantalize her with, and Mickey Rourke shows up. He says, “Waddaya got there…guacamole?” I’m like, Mickey, get out of here! Kim and I are having food sex!” She says, “Who’s that?” I say, “Nobody.” She says, “Is that Mickey Rourke?” I’m like, “No, he’s not here.” She says, “Mickey…? Did you say guacamole?” Mickey Rourke is like, “Hey, Kim, what’s up?” She says, “This is getting weird” and takes off her blindfold. I’m like, “What do you mean? It’s my fantasy, so why are you saying it’s weird?!”) But I digress.

Lastly, I’m not a homophobe, and neither is Alec Baldwin (according to his article, which I do believe).

So you see, I’m the perfect person to fill the Alec Baldwin-sized hole that will be left in all New Yorkers’ lives. Maybe I’m a little less famous, now, and the paparazzi aren’t beating down my door. But what I have that he doesn’t is the desire to be a public figure. I welcome the attention, I need it, and won’t go running to some remote, off-the-media-grid place, like Los Angeles. So, New York, my door is open…come inside. Stalk me, misquote me, make my life hell. I’ll even punch you in the face.

Thursday
Feb202014

OTHER OLYMPIC PRIZES

The Olympics have gotten too competitive. Have you noticed that, for some people, winning bronze is the crowning achievement of a lifetime? But for others, it means never being able to show your face in your country again? I think everyone should win something. So I’ve come up with some ideas for other prizes—besides gold, silver, and bronze medals—that could be awarded by the Olympic committee.

4th place: a plaque made out of actual podium materials, signed by the three medal-winners, saying, “Nice try. Better luck in four years.”

5th–10th place: a stray dog to take home with you. (You get a nice pet!)

11th place: a set of steak knives.

20th–29th place: the latest Pussy Riot album with all objectionable lyrics personally removed by Vladimir Putin. (It’s a 90-min blank CD, but hey, that’s cool.)

30th–39th place: a copy of Putin’s own dance-pop album, Putin on the Hits!

40th–49th place: a naturally polished rock from one of Sochi’s beautiful Black Sea beaches (that you happened to find on a walk one day).

50th–58th place: a tin can on a string with a Sharpie (write whatever you want on it).

59th place: a brand new car! (Why not mix it up a little, add a lottery element? Then people might actually want to come in 59th.)

66th to next-to-last place: a free 6-piece Chicken McNuggets. (You know that McDonald’s commercial where people are biting McNuggets and imagining them to be gold medals? Basically, you can do that.)

Last place: a custom-embossed envelope containing deportation papers from your home country.

Participation award: everyone who competes gets a commemorative T-shirt. I’ve been working on the design, below…

Thursday
Feb132014

Communist Valentines

Want to express your love in a way that's true to your Marxist politics? (These and other "Communist Valentines" were read aloud by Mo Fathelbab, Chrissie Mayr, and me at the Feb. 11 Manifesto! - a show I co-host at the People's Republic of Brooklyn.) Viva revolución of love!

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Wednesday
Feb052014

A Talk with Staten Island Chuck

I didn't create this image - thanks to whoever did!This Groundhog Day, Staten Island Chuck once again proved hard to handle for a New York mayor. I caught up with the radical rodent for his frankest interview to date.

Did de Blasio drop you, or did you jump?

Ha! Let’s just say I wriggled.

Was that a political statement?

What do you think? I bit Bloomberg to show my support for the 99%. If you include rodents, the percentage is actually much higher. So, De Blasio got elected as a progressive, but he doesn’t get a free pass. If you want me to interpret my own symbolism, the point was: don’t drop the ball. I’m the ball in that metaphor.

Have you always been a political animal?

Not really. I just do what comes naturally. Look, February 2nd arrives, and I’ve been hibernating. These guys show up with TV cameras, and I’m like, "Hey, it’s not a good time! Do you realize I’ve been living off my own urine for months? I need to eat!" So I just go with my gut, I improvise. The political justification comes later. If you read a lot of Marx and Foucault, you sort of see, "Yeah, that’s why I did that."

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