The Olympics have gotten too competitive. Have you noticed that, for some people, winning bronze is the crowning achievement of a lifetime? But for others, it means never being able to show your face in your country again? I think everyone should win something. So I’ve come up with some ideas for other prizes—besides gold, silver, and bronze medals—that could be awarded by the Olympic committee.
4th place: a plaque made out of actual podium materials, signed by the three medal-winners, saying, “Nice try. Better luck in four years.”
5th–10th place: a stray dog to take home with you. (You get a nice pet!)
11th place: a set of steak knives.
20th–29th place: the latest Pussy Riot album with all objectionable lyrics personally removed by Vladimir Putin. (It’s a 90-min blank CD, but hey, that’s cool.)
30th–39th place: a copy of Putin’s own dance-pop album, Putin on the Hits!
40th–49th place: a naturally polished rock from one of Sochi’s beautiful Black Sea beaches (that you happened to find on a walk one day).
50th–58th place: a tin can on a string with a Sharpie (write whatever you want on it).
59th place: a brand new car! (Why not mix it up a little, add a lottery element? Then people might actually want to come in 59th.)
66th to next-to-last place: a free 6-piece Chicken McNuggets. (You know that McDonald’s commercial where people are biting McNuggets and imagining them to be gold medals? Basically, you can do that.)
Last place: a custom-embossed envelope containing deportation papers from your home country.
Participation award: everyone who competes gets a commemorative T-shirt. I’ve been working on the design, below…