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See Tim perform stand-up @ littlefield! WATCH ON YOUTUBE

Friday
Jul252014

A Gen X'er Responds about Dick Pics

I’m from Generation X, and I’ve never sent or received a dick pic. I don’t think all the Millennials understand: when I was your age, no one sent dick pics. No one even had a dick back then. Let alone the technology to send an image of it to someone instantly. Some of my friends STILL don’t have dicks. I’ll say to my buddy, NAME REMOVED, “How’s your dick? Have you been using it much?” He’ll say, “Nah, I don’t have one. I never got into it. I don’t see the point, dude.” (That’s the kind of blasé attitude people hate about Gen X'ers!) I try to tell these guys, “Look, there are a lot of things you can do with a dick. It gives you a way of connecting with people.” They’ll be like, “Nah, man, a dick is just to share with people you barely even knew in high school. I’d rather have people get to know me and not my dick. I’d rather spend my time the way I want, listening to R.E.M. and watching Wynona Ryder movies, than trying to win a popularity contest with my dick.” And I’ll be like, “You don’t even have a dick!” And he’ll just shrug. So, you see, I don’t do dick pics, and I don’t understand them, but I’m not exactly proud of my peers either. I may be Gen-X, but at least I have a dick, and I try to use it as positively and productively as I can.

Friday
Jun132014

Anti-Pickling Activism

I live in Brooklyn where everyone is into pickling. Not me. What I do to buck this stupid trend is, I go to an outdoor market, say the Brooklyn Flea, and buy someone’s ridiculously handcrafted, artisanal pickles. Then I go home and remove all the vinegar, salt, and seasoning -- I turn them back into cucumbers, their natural state before some hipster messed with them. (It takes many hours of gently squeezing and wringing the pickles, so as not to tear their delicate fibers.) Then I'll take the revived cukes to the grocery store and set them free on the shelf, with their friends. I think they’re happy, though it’s pretty hard to tell with cucumbers. Some people don't like what I do. I’ve been called an "unpickled pecker" -- which is fine with me! At least I know I'm doing something to fight the unnecessary brining and fermentation of vegetables that everyone does now, just to be cool. Stop the brining...stop pickling!

Friday
May232014

SONG: Brooklyn Thong Guy

Behold the new song I wrote and recorded with my band, Modern Beast. It's an ode to a legend...a sunny summer single...2 mins of AM soft-rock gold. Share the love for the Brooklyn Thong Guy! 

Wednesday
May212014

Yo, I'm in the NY Funny Song Fest!

As part of the 3rd Annual NY Funny Song Fest, produced by the amazing Jessica Delfino, I'll be co-hosting and performing in Hooklyn: Funny Songs from & about Brooklyn on Sat, May 31, 8:30 pm at People's Republic of Brooklyn (247 Smith St). GET TIX ($10)! ($12 at the door)

I'll also be on the bill at 50 Funny Songs on Fri, May 30, 7 pm at Botanic Lab (86 Orchard St, NYC) -- an exciting and sure to be sold-out night of the fest. GET TIX ($10)! ($12 at the door)

Don't miss NYC'S only comedy, parody, and novelty music festival! www.nyfunnysongs.com 

Here I am, pimpin' it at the Fest last year...

Friday
May022014

Farting in Bed: A Short Play

4 a.m. Tim and Michelle, a hip and sexy Brooklyn couple, lie in bed. Michelle has earplugs in. Out of the predawn serenity, Tim farts.

TIM: Excuse me.

MICHELLE: (Taking out one earplug.) What?

TIM: (To audience.) I wasn’t sure what to say. I’d already said “excuse me.” Why make two announcements?

MICHELLE: Did you say something?

TIM: No.

MICHELLE: (Pause.) Did you fart?

TIM: (Trying to think of a witty response but giving up.) Yes. (Tim farts.)

MICHELLE: Your ass needs to let me sleep. (Puts earplug back in.)

TIM: My ass does what it wants. It answers to no one.

MICHELLE: (Taking out earplug.) What?

TIM: (Louder.) I said, my ass answers to no one.

MICHELLE: It’s gonna answer to me if it doesn’t be quiet. (Pause.) Maybe this plug should go somewhere else. (Puts earplug in her ear.)

TIM: (To audience.) Someone please give us a sitcom, ‘cause we’re killing it here.

MICHELLE: (Taking out earplug.) What did you say?

TIM: Nothing

Pause. Tim farts. No one speaks. Silence engulfs the cosmos.

END