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See Tim perform stand-up @ littlefield! WATCH ON YOUTUBE

Friday
Jun132014

Anti-Pickling Activism

I live in Brooklyn where everyone is into pickling. Not me. What I do to buck this stupid trend is, I go to an outdoor market, say the Brooklyn Flea, and buy someone’s ridiculously handcrafted, artisanal pickles. Then I go home and remove all the vinegar, salt, and seasoning -- I turn them back into cucumbers, their natural state before some hipster messed with them. (It takes many hours of gently squeezing and wringing the pickles, so as not to tear their delicate fibers.) Then I'll take the revived cukes to the grocery store and set them free on the shelf, with their friends. I think they’re happy, though it’s pretty hard to tell with cucumbers. Some people don't like what I do. I’ve been called an "unpickled pecker" -- which is fine with me! At least I know I'm doing something to fight the unnecessary brining and fermentation of vegetables that everyone does now, just to be cool. Stop the brining...stop pickling!

Friday
May232014

SONG: Brooklyn Thong Guy

Behold the new song I wrote and recorded with my band, Modern Beast. It's an ode to a legend...a sunny summer single...2 mins of AM soft-rock gold. Share the love for the Brooklyn Thong Guy! 

Wednesday
May212014

Yo, I'm in the NY Funny Song Fest!

As part of the 3rd Annual NY Funny Song Fest, produced by the amazing Jessica Delfino, I'll be co-hosting and performing in Hooklyn: Funny Songs from & about Brooklyn on Sat, May 31, 8:30 pm at People's Republic of Brooklyn (247 Smith St). GET TIX ($10)! ($12 at the door)

I'll also be on the bill at 50 Funny Songs on Fri, May 30, 7 pm at Botanic Lab (86 Orchard St, NYC) -- an exciting and sure to be sold-out night of the fest. GET TIX ($10)! ($12 at the door)

Don't miss NYC'S only comedy, parody, and novelty music festival! www.nyfunnysongs.com 

Here I am, pimpin' it at the Fest last year...

Friday
May022014

Farting in Bed: A Short Play

4 a.m. Tim and Michelle, a hip and sexy Brooklyn couple, lie in bed. Michelle has earplugs in. Out of the predawn serenity, Tim farts.

TIM: Excuse me.

MICHELLE: (Taking out one earplug.) What?

TIM: (To audience.) I wasn’t sure what to say. I’d already said “excuse me.” Why make two announcements?

MICHELLE: Did you say something?

TIM: No.

MICHELLE: (Pause.) Did you fart?

TIM: (Trying to think of a witty response but giving up.) Yes. (Tim farts.)

MICHELLE: Your ass needs to let me sleep. (Puts earplug back in.)

TIM: My ass does what it wants. It answers to no one.

MICHELLE: (Taking out earplug.) What?

TIM: (Louder.) I said, my ass answers to no one.

MICHELLE: It’s gonna answer to me if it doesn’t be quiet. (Pause.) Maybe this plug should go somewhere else. (Puts earplug in her ear.)

TIM: (To audience.) Someone please give us a sitcom, ‘cause we’re killing it here.

MICHELLE: (Taking out earplug.) What did you say?

TIM: Nothing

Pause. Tim farts. No one speaks. Silence engulfs the cosmos.

END

Wednesday
Apr302014

My Wedding Advice to George Clooney

George Clooney is getting married to Amal Alamuddin, a British human-rights lawyer. This is a very big deal, since not that many people get married. But to someone like me, who turned in his bachelor card long ago—after dating my own share of actresses, models, and professional wrestlers—tying the knot is old hat. So I thought I’d share some advice with my fellow man, the Cloonster, on how to get through to “I do.” 

BACHELOR PARTY: GO EXTREME!

Rather than strippers or the clichéd Vegas trip, George, I recommend an extreme sports activity that your buds can bond over—like bowling at Chelsea Piers. That’s what me and my man-posse did, and we had a blast! Order some pitchers of Bud and chow down on chicken fingers while scoring your last strike as a free man. However, I suggest not scheduling your bachelor party in the afternoon, as there’s a good chance that a 13-year-old girl’s birthday bash will be taking place the next lane over—something your pals will rib you about for years to come. (Lots of screaming, balloons, and Silly String.) Or maybe an Ocean’s Eleven- or Syriana-themed party would be more your style. It’s your party…can’t wait to be there, Cloons!

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