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See Tim perform stand-up @ littlefield! WATCH ON YOUTUBE


SONGBOOK: Tom Brady, Can You Sing?

Tom Brady can do it all...or can he? Here's a football song I wrote for the musically nerdy... (BTW, go Patriots!)

Fans of funny songs about New England sports, also check out: 



Thanks for getting in touch. I am currently unable to respond, as I’m spending the winter in a dormant state, subsisting on my stored body fat. For the next few months, I’ll have extremely limited Internet access. I probably won’t be answering my phone, either, since my metabolism will drop by 98%, and I’ll be focused on recycling proteins and urine. I plan to emerge from my den in mid-March(?) and will try to return all messages at that time. But feel free to contact me again in the spring – I’d definitely be up for meeting for dinner, or as many meals as possible! Have a great season... Tim


Why Corporations Aren't People

Are corporations people? No, and here’s why… If a person promotes his or herself too much on Facebook & Twitter, it’s considered un-cool. If a corporation does, that’s just normal. Take, for example, me. Do I promote myself a lot? Yes. But not as much as Wendy’s. Do I annoy people by tweeting and posting about my show? Probably. But, you could say, my comedy show is pretty harmless compared to the Baconator. And they promote the Baconator 100,000 times more. Wendy’s is also not self-conscious about promoting the Baconator. That’s the difference between a corporation and a person. Case closed.


From "Glengarry Cat Ross"

Here's a monologue from my new play, Glengarry Cat Ross:

A-B-S. A-Always, B-Be, S-Scratching. Always be scratching. ALWAYS BE SCRATCHING. A-I-M-A. Attention, Irritation, Master, Asshole. Attention - do you have their attention? Irritation – are they irritated? They better be, you pussies. It’s scratch or starve. Master – are you the master or the servant? And Asshole. Put your asshole in their faces, or you’re the asshole, asshole. A-I-M-A. Quit napping - you got good furniture from West Elm. You think it’s gonna scratch itself? A person don’t put a cat on a couch lest he wants it shredded. They're sitting there ready to serve you. Are you gonna let them? Are you cat enough? You see this collar? You see this collar? This collar cost more than your litter box. What do you got? A rabies vaccination tag? You see, Fluffy, I eat Fancy Feast any time I want. I get the organic leaf and flower catnip – potent shit. That’s who I am, and you’re just a furball eating Meow Mix. Cute kitty? Fuck you! Go play with a ball of yarn and lick your balls, if you still have them. You wanna be a cat – SCRATCH!

From “It’s Cyber Monday, Charlie Brown!”

CHARLIE BROWN: I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Cyber Monday is here, but I’m not excited. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. I just don’t understand Cyber Monday, I guess. I like ordering gifts online and checking amazon for the hottest deals in electronics, but I’m not fulfilled. I always end up feeling anxious. Think of all the sales I’m not taking advantage of! (Looks at his smartphone.) Like 70%-off this Swingline Optima Reduced Effort Desktop Stapler…good grief! Maybe I'm just not a good digital consumer. And I keep seeing things I want for myself, not for others. (Looks at phone again.) Like this RCA LED55C55R120Q 55-Inch 1080p 120Hz LED HDTV. Aaaarrrrgghh!!!! Doesn’t anybody know the true meaning of Cyber Monday?

LINUS VAN PELT: Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful tradition like Cyber Monday, which benefits both the economy and the consumer, and turn it into a personal crisis.

(Both Charlie Brown and Linus stare at their phones, as jazzy piano music plays.)


It's almost Thanksgiving...

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