I hereby file a formal complaint with every company or entity doing business with me, now or in the future. Chances are, you have screwed things up, or have not met my needs, or haven’t done the job exactly to my liking. And I’m mad about it! I’m sure that I will want to complain time and time again, as I want to right now. So I’m doing everyone, including myself, a favor and filing one big master-grievance. I just have to say… How can you treat people like this? You’ve caused me stress and hardship! It’s really not right!! This kind of thing should never, ever happen again!!! Etc. (In the rare instance that I had a satisfactory experience, I assume you will know it and think to yourself, “This doesn’t apply to me.”) OK, now that my complaint is about half over, I can stop thinking about writing angry letters and making indignant phone calls to people who aren’t listening, who will pass the buck, or who just work there, anyway. Now that I’ve already complained about everything, I feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders, an open space cleared in my mind for other thoughts, other projects. Maybe I can even create something positive in this world, who knows?! As long as everyone is informed in advance that I’m a completely dissatisfied customer, and I am never doing business with you again, maybe there’s hope for me…and you…for us all! But I must end this formal complaint on a note of sadness, for I have enjoyed complaining. In truth, I’ve loved every minute of it, but it just isn’t helping me, or anyone, and I know it. So I say one last time… I am upset! I have been wronged!! I COMPLAIN!!!
I wrote this for, and read it at, Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction at Union Hall in Brooklyn last Sat. Created and hosted by my twisted friend Bryan Cook, the show features sick and stupid sex tales about famous people or fictional characters. If that doesn't sound up your alley, STOP READING NOW! But if it does...
A Requiem for Ed Koch;
Ed’s Cock: An Appreciation
I come to praise Ed Koch, not to bury him. New York’s quintessential mayor, who served three terms in the ‘70s and ‘80s, was larger than life. As Bill Clinton said at Koch’s memorial, “He had a big brain, but a bigger heart.” And, he should’ve mentioned, an even bigger cock. Tall and erect like the Empire State Building, thick and solid like the pylons of the Brooklyn Bridge, fast yet unpredictable like the F train, Ed Koch’s penis embodied the city itself. And at a time when New York was straddling a new era, the mayor was straddling practically everyone in it.
Here's my first video with this crazy group, Sketch 13... If you don't know what the Harlem Shake is, hey, neither do we, but we still made a video! ("Best version I've seen yet" -- one of my Facebook friends.)