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See Tim perform stand-up @ littlefield! WATCH ON YOUTUBE

Thursday
Feb202014

OTHER OLYMPIC PRIZES

The Olympics have gotten too competitive. Have you noticed that, for some people, winning bronze is the crowning achievement of a lifetime? But for others, it means never being able to show your face in your country again? I think everyone should win something. So I’ve come up with some ideas for other prizes—besides gold, silver, and bronze medals—that could be awarded by the Olympic committee.

4th place: a plaque made out of actual podium materials, signed by the three medal-winners, saying, “Nice try. Better luck in four years.”

5th–10th place: a stray dog to take home with you. (You get a nice pet!)

11th place: a set of steak knives.

20th–29th place: the latest Pussy Riot album with all objectionable lyrics personally removed by Vladimir Putin. (It’s a 90-min blank CD, but hey, that’s cool.)

30th–39th place: a copy of Putin’s own dance-pop album, Putin on the Hits!

40th–49th place: a naturally polished rock from one of Sochi’s beautiful Black Sea beaches (that you happened to find on a walk one day).

50th–58th place: a tin can on a string with a Sharpie (write whatever you want on it).

59th place: a brand new car! (Why not mix it up a little, add a lottery element? Then people might actually want to come in 59th.)

66th to next-to-last place: a free 6-piece Chicken McNuggets. (You know that McDonald’s commercial where people are biting McNuggets and imagining them to be gold medals? Basically, you can do that.)

Last place: a custom-embossed envelope containing deportation papers from your home country.

Participation award: everyone who competes gets a commemorative T-shirt. I’ve been working on the design, below…

Thursday
Feb132014

Communist Valentines

Want to express your love in a way that's true to your Marxist politics? (These and other "Communist Valentines" were read aloud by Mo Fathelbab, Chrissie Mayr, and me at the Feb. 11 Manifesto! - a show I co-host at the People's Republic of Brooklyn.) Viva revolución of love!

Click to read more ...

Wednesday
Feb052014

A Talk with Staten Island Chuck

I didn't create this image - thanks to whoever did!This Groundhog Day, Staten Island Chuck once again proved hard to handle for a New York mayor. I caught up with the radical rodent for his frankest interview to date.

Did de Blasio drop you, or did you jump?

Ha! Let’s just say I wriggled.

Was that a political statement?

What do you think? I bit Bloomberg to show my support for the 99%. If you include rodents, the percentage is actually much higher. So, De Blasio got elected as a progressive, but he doesn’t get a free pass. If you want me to interpret my own symbolism, the point was: don’t drop the ball. I’m the ball in that metaphor.

Have you always been a political animal?

Not really. I just do what comes naturally. Look, February 2nd arrives, and I’ve been hibernating. These guys show up with TV cameras, and I’m like, "Hey, it’s not a good time! Do you realize I’ve been living off my own urine for months? I need to eat!" So I just go with my gut, I improvise. The political justification comes later. If you read a lot of Marx and Foucault, you sort of see, "Yeah, that’s why I did that."

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Sunday
Jan192014

SONGBOOK: Tom Brady, Can You Sing?

Tom Brady can do it all...or can he? Here's a football song I wrote for the musically nerdy... (BTW, go Patriots!)

Fans of funny songs about New England sports, also check out: 
POWER OF THE BEARD

Friday
Jan032014

AUTOMATIC HIBERNATION REPLY:

Thanks for getting in touch. I am currently unable to respond, as I’m spending the winter in a dormant state, subsisting on my stored body fat. For the next few months, I’ll have extremely limited Internet access. I probably won’t be answering my phone, either, since my metabolism will drop by 98%, and I’ll be focused on recycling proteins and urine. I plan to emerge from my den in mid-March(?) and will try to return all messages at that time. But feel free to contact me again in the spring – I’d definitely be up for meeting for dinner, or as many meals as possible! Have a great season... Tim