BLOG CATEGORIES

SEARCH timelliscomedy

See Tim perform stand-up @ littlefield! WATCH ON YOUTUBE

Thursday
Feb202014

OTHER OLYMPIC PRIZES

The Olympics have gotten too competitive. Have you noticed that, for some people, winning bronze is the crowning achievement of a lifetime? But for others, it means never being able to show your face in your country again? I think everyone should win something. So I’ve come up with some ideas for other prizes—besides gold, silver, and bronze medals—that could be awarded by the Olympic committee.

4th place: a plaque made out of actual podium materials, signed by the three medal-winners, saying, “Nice try. Better luck in four years.”

5th–10th place: a stray dog to take home with you. (You get a nice pet!)

11th place: a set of steak knives.

20th–29th place: the latest Pussy Riot album with all objectionable lyrics personally removed by Vladimir Putin. (It’s a 90-min blank CD, but hey, that’s cool.)

30th–39th place: a copy of Putin’s own dance-pop album, Putin on the Hits!

40th–49th place: a naturally polished rock from one of Sochi’s beautiful Black Sea beaches (that you happened to find on a walk one day).

50th–58th place: a tin can on a string with a Sharpie (write whatever you want on it).

59th place: a brand new car! (Why not mix it up a little, add a lottery element? Then people might actually want to come in 59th.)

66th to next-to-last place: a free 6-piece Chicken McNuggets. (You know that McDonald’s commercial where people are biting McNuggets and imagining them to be gold medals? Basically, you can do that.)

Last place: a custom-embossed envelope containing deportation papers from your home country.

Participation award: everyone who competes gets a commemorative T-shirt. I’ve been working on the design, below…

Thursday
Feb132014

Communist Valentines

Want to express your love in a way that's true to your Marxist politics? (These and other "Communist Valentines" were read aloud by Mo Fathelbab, Chrissie Mayr, and me at the Feb. 11 Manifesto! - a show I co-host at the People's Republic of Brooklyn.) Viva revolución of love!

Click to read more ...

Wednesday
Feb052014

A Talk with Staten Island Chuck

I didn't create this image - thanks to whoever did!This Groundhog Day, Staten Island Chuck once again proved hard to handle for a New York mayor. I caught up with the radical rodent for his frankest interview to date.

Did de Blasio drop you, or did you jump?

Ha! Let’s just say I wriggled.

Was that a political statement?

What do you think? I bit Bloomberg to show my support for the 99%. If you include rodents, the percentage is actually much higher. So, De Blasio got elected as a progressive, but he doesn’t get a free pass. If you want me to interpret my own symbolism, the point was: don’t drop the ball. I’m the ball in that metaphor.

Have you always been a political animal?

Not really. I just do what comes naturally. Look, February 2nd arrives, and I’ve been hibernating. These guys show up with TV cameras, and I’m like, "Hey, it’s not a good time! Do you realize I’ve been living off my own urine for months? I need to eat!" So I just go with my gut, I improvise. The political justification comes later. If you read a lot of Marx and Foucault, you sort of see, "Yeah, that’s why I did that."

Click to read more ...

Sunday
Jan192014

SONGBOOK: Tom Brady, Can You Sing?

Tom Brady can do it all...or can he? Here's a football song I wrote for the musically nerdy... (BTW, go Patriots!)

Fans of funny songs about New England sports, also check out: 
POWER OF THE BEARD

Friday
Jan032014

AUTOMATIC HIBERNATION REPLY:

Thanks for getting in touch. I am currently unable to respond, as I’m spending the winter in a dormant state, subsisting on my stored body fat. For the next few months, I’ll have extremely limited Internet access. I probably won’t be answering my phone, either, since my metabolism will drop by 98%, and I’ll be focused on recycling proteins and urine. I plan to emerge from my den in mid-March(?) and will try to return all messages at that time. But feel free to contact me again in the spring – I’d definitely be up for meeting for dinner, or as many meals as possible! Have a great season... Tim

Thursday
Dec122013

Why Corporations Aren't People

Are corporations people? No, and here’s why… If a person promotes his or herself too much on Facebook & Twitter, it’s considered un-cool. If a corporation does, that’s just normal. Take, for example, me. Do I promote myself a lot? Yes. But not as much as Wendy’s. Do I annoy people by tweeting and posting about my show? Probably. But, you could say, my comedy show is pretty harmless compared to the Baconator. And they promote the Baconator 100,000 times more. Wendy’s is also not self-conscious about promoting the Baconator. That’s the difference between a corporation and a person. Case closed.