My Wedding Advice to George Clooney

George Clooney is getting married to Amal Alamuddin, a British human-rights lawyer. This is a very big deal, since not that many people get married. But to someone like me, who turned in his bachelor card long ago—after dating my own share of actresses, models, and professional wrestlers—tying the knot is old hat. So I thought I’d share some advice with my fellow man, the Cloonster, on how to get through to “I do.” 

BACHELOR PARTY: GO EXTREME!

Rather than strippers or the clichéd Vegas trip, George, I recommend an extreme sports activity that your buds can bond over—like bowling at Chelsea Piers. That’s what me and my man-posse did, and we had a blast! Order some pitchers of Bud and chow down on chicken fingers while scoring your last strike as a free man. However, I suggest not scheduling your bachelor party in the afternoon, as there’s a good chance that a 13-year-old girl’s birthday bash will be taking place the next lane over—something your pals will rib you about for years to come. (Lots of screaming, balloons, and Silly String.) Or maybe an Ocean’s Eleven- or Syriana-themed party would be more your style. It’s your party…can’t wait to be there, Cloons!

CATERING: WHAT TO EXPECT

At some point, you’ll go to the place where the wedding will be held, say a quaint hotel in Maine, and will sample the food and get free wine and stuff. This will be one of the best meals you’ve ever eaten, and you and Amal will have a wonderful, romantic evening. (You might even consummate the marriage early, Cloon-dog!) But this will not be the same food that is served at the wedding. Not even close. The deliciously crisp roast chicken that you order for your guests will be, in its buffet version, smothered in a weird, viscous sauce, making the skin soft and rubbery. My point is, Georgie, the idea of your wedding dinner may be a lot more perfect than the thing itself—kind of like The Monuments Men.

GROOMING THE GROOM

Lastly, I can’t emphasize enough the Gravity of paying attention to your own appearance. You may think, all eyes will be on the bride…who’s gonna notice me?…I’m not much to look at. Right, Cloonzie? I’ll just wear the suit I wore to my brothers’ wedding, or the Oscars, and not bother to get it out of the closet until a couple days before, only to find that moths have eaten holes in the pants. Then you’ll be on a mission, shopping for suit separates at J.C. Penney, trying to find pants the same shade of black as the jacket you already have, which is impossible. Also, don’t just throw an old disposable razor in your travel bag and show up at your 11 a.m. wedding with a 5 o’clock shadow. And don’t pose for dozens of photos without looking in a mirror, assuming that your hair is all right, when actually, it is doing this spiky thing on your forehead that it’s never done before or since, but which it will do in the permanent record of this major life event. You will see it every day on your dresser and want to flick it back just a little, but you won’t be able to, no not ever. I’d say, get your hair cropped close on the sides, with just a little texture on top, to de-emphasize your grey. Your can ask for…the “George Clooney”!