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Entries in New York City (14)


Record-Breaking Rain in NYC - We Did It!

Just want to congratulate everyone for the record rainfall in New York City yesterday. Awesome job letting the rain fall on us, guys! Sure, we complained, but did anyone try to stop the rain? No! That's what makes this city so great - we know how to receive historic precipitation and go about our lives as New Yorkers. Special shout-out to the folks selling cheap umbrellas on the street. Sure, they are worthless pieces of crap. But you guys inspired us all to accumulate more water from the sky on a particular date, which we can all be proud of. Over 2" on 1/18/15. In New York City, baby!


Hello, 2015!


Advice to a Change Machine

Oh, change machine at the laundromat – you rejected 7 out of 8 dollar bills in my wallet. Could it be that your standards are a little too high? It’s like you don’t really want to give out change. Are you afraid to give? Afraid of change? It’s time to step up and “be the change machine you want to see in the world.” Or else focus on what you really like to do – inspecting and rejecting currency – but no one wants a machine to do that. If you wanna stay up there on the wall, you better “take a look at yourself and make that change!” I’m glad we had this talk, change machine. I believe you can be an agent of change! As the song says, “Turn and face the strange…”


SONG: Brooklyn Thong Guy

Behold the new song I wrote and recorded with my band, Modern Beast. It's an ode to a legend...a sunny summer single...2 mins of AM soft-rock gold. Share the love for the Brooklyn Thong Guy! 


Yo, I'm in the NY Funny Song Fest!

As part of the 3rd Annual NY Funny Song Fest, produced by the amazing Jessica Delfino, I'll be co-hosting and performing in Hooklyn: Funny Songs from & about Brooklyn on Sat, May 31, 8:30 pm at People's Republic of Brooklyn (247 Smith St). GET TIX ($10)! ($12 at the door)

I'll also be on the bill at 50 Funny Songs on Fri, May 30, 7 pm at Botanic Lab (86 Orchard St, NYC) -- an exciting and sure to be sold-out night of the fest. GET TIX ($10)! ($12 at the door)

Don't miss NYC'S only comedy, parody, and novelty music festival! 

Here I am, pimpin' it at the Fest last year...


Dear New York: I'm the New Alec Baldwin

This week, Alec Baldwin published a New York Magazine piece announcing that he is getting out of the city, and the public eye, for good. I just want to say, to showbiz and the media—I’m willing to take his place. I think I’m really right for the job, because Alec Baldwin and I have a lot in common.  

For one thing, our hair is kind of similar. (See photo above.)

Alec Baldwin is known as a great New York actor, the kind of guy you might see performing in Shakespeare in the Park. I’ve done Shakespeare in a Parking Lot, on the Lower East Side. What could be more “New York” than having a Dept. of Sanitation truck drive through during your soliloquy in A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Alec Baldwin was on 30 Rock for seven seasons, and I auditioned for 30 Rock once. I didn’t get the part, but I almost had a scene with Alec Baldwin, and I’m sure we would’ve become close, because we’re so much alike. 

Alec Baldwin was married to Kim Basinger, and I’ve had sex with Kim Basinger many times, in my mind. (It’s usually like that scene in 9 ½ Weeks—she’s blindfolded, and I’m feeding her exotic foods, like nachos and buffalo wings. She’ll be like, “What’s that?” You know, all turned on. And I’ll say, “Blue cheese, babe.” Then I go to the fridge to get something else to tantalize her with, and Mickey Rourke shows up. He says, “Waddaya got there…guacamole?” I’m like, Mickey, get out of here! Kim and I are having food sex!” She says, “Who’s that?” I say, “Nobody.” She says, “Is that Mickey Rourke?” I’m like, “No, he’s not here.” She says, “Mickey…? Did you say guacamole?” Mickey Rourke is like, “Hey, Kim, what’s up?” She says, “This is getting weird” and takes off her blindfold. I’m like, “What do you mean? It’s my fantasy, so why are you saying it’s weird?!”) But I digress.

Lastly, I’m not a homophobe, and neither is Alec Baldwin (according to his article, which I do believe).

So you see, I’m the perfect person to fill the Alec Baldwin-sized hole that will be left in all New Yorkers’ lives. Maybe I’m a little less famous, now, and the paparazzi aren’t beating down my door. But what I have that he doesn’t is the desire to be a public figure. I welcome the attention, I need it, and won’t go running to some remote, off-the-media-grid place, like Los Angeles. So, New York, my door is open…come inside. Stalk me, misquote me, make my life hell. I’ll even punch you in the face.