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See Tim perform stand-up @ littlefield! WATCH ON YOUTUBE

Thursday
Mar292012

Call Me "Comedy God"

(A script for a commercial parody that I’m too busy/lazy/technically inept to actually make.)

Shot of a young, cool-looking GUY on in front of a theater. He’s framed with eyes outside the shot -- to give him an “every guy” quality, and so that the actor playing him can be paid less. He speaks into his iPhone. Siri, the voice of the phone, answers him. Apple-y music swirls in background.

GUY: Where can I take an improv class?

SIRI: Do you mean long-form or short-form?

Cut to Guy at home.

GUY: Who was in Wet, Hot American Summer?

SIRI: I’ll look that up for you. Again.

A quick succession of shots…

GUY: How do I get on SNL?

GUY: What’s a Harold?

GUY: Is it too late to make a Shit People Say video?

SIRI: Yes.

Shot of Guy in coffee shop.

GUY: Add “Psychopathic Maniac” to my list of sketch group names.

SIRI: That’s not good.

GUY: What?

SIRI: Nothing. I’ll do that for you.

Shot of Guy in bar.

GUY: How can I get a job on Fallon from my Twitter?

SIRI: If I knew, I wouldn’t be working here.

Shot of Guy in another bar.

GUY: Tell Phil and Ben I’ll be doing a set at the Laugh Hole tonight.

SIRI: Done.

GUY: Oh, and tell them there’s a two-drink minimum.

SIRI: Is this a bringer? Oh, no.

Shot of Guy performing in a comedy club. He makes a joke (either about racial stereotypes, masturbation, porn, rape, AIDS, or online dating). He comments on the audience not liking the joke.

GUY: Too edgy for you?

Shot of Guy outside club. 

GUY: From now on, call me “Comedy God.”

SIRI: No, I won’t. You obnoxious, unfunny human. OK?

Insert iPhone and Apple branding. Flash title in small type: “Does not reflect actual use of product.”

_____

If you haven't seen the original commercial, here it is: iPhone TV Ad
And here's a popular parody someone actually made: iPhone TV Ad Parody

Thursday
Mar222012

Better Communication through Technology

Lately, I’m not sure why, I’ve been getting into more and more conflicts with people I know. I’m aware of this, and I’ve decided to work on my communication skills. Fortunately, we live in a time when the latest technology can help us to be better communicators. I’ve resolved to use these tools more effectively in my life, to create more harmony in the world around me.

For starters, the next time I’m really mad at someone, I plan to write a long email, carefully explaining what he or she has done to offend me. I won’t just fire it off in anger. I’ll compose many drafts, each one more eloquent than the last. If I express my hurt feelings honestly and fully in writing, the person will surely listen to reason. Then they can respond directly, with a heartfelt apology, to each of my concerns. This can all be accomplished peacefully, through email, without all the yelling and blaming that come with a face-to-face confrontation.

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Thursday
Mar152012

My Wikipedia Entry

Tim Ellis is a comedian, actor, writer, singer-songwriter, and, arguably, one of the most important and best-loved figures of his time. A veritable renaissance man, he has made contributions to entertainment, classic literature, modern dance, postmodern theory, and the culinary arts. Ellis is the author of nearly 10 plays, less than 50 books, and innumerable volumes of works-in-progress, as well as scores of projected works. His stand-up performances could be called “edgy yet stylish.” Critic(s) raved about Ellis’s one-man show An Inquiry into Human Understanding, unanimously hailing it as a work of the 21st century. He has appeared widely in the media on all manner of devices, and his groundbreaking videos are available on the World Wide Web for billions of viewers to download. He has also been seen on television more than once. Tim Ellis has touched countless people in indescribable ways, and the weight of his legacy is yet to be felt by future generations.

Thursday
Mar082012

THE EXISTENTIAL LENS: My Florida Vacation

Not to rub it in, all you Notherners, but I just got back from an amazing Florida vacation. Here are some pics…

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Thursday
Mar012012

Old Man Winter Special

This New York winter is way too harsh for me, so I'm heading to Florida for a few days. See you next week… (While I’m away, I’ll mostly be off the Internet, which is also way too harsh for me.)

Friday
Feb242012

My Oscar Acceptance Speech

Wow…really? You picked me? I didn’t prepare a speech, ‘cause I never thought I had a chance of winning. Hey, Jack Nicholson! How's it going, Jack? I guess all I want to say is that this statue means nothing to me. I do what I do for the craft and the art and the love of it. Awards are completely meaningless, I’m sorry to tell you. I mean, a hundred years from now, no one is gonna remember who won Best Actor, or have the faintest idea who Clooney and Brad and the other nominees (sorry, I’m forgetting your names) were. OK, maybe you, Jack. In a thousand years, no one will know what a motion picture is, if the human race is even alive. In the post-global-warming wasteland, this hardware will have no value, except maybe as a weapon to club someone over the head with and steal their food.

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