“It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” So says a popular song heard -- when else? -- this time of year. But is this annual ranking of seasonal delight too Christmas-centric? And, true or not, how does saying so make other times of the year feel? Today, some of them speak openly about Yuletide prejudice:
Whenever I hear this “most wonderful time” stuff, I start to feel, I don’t know…unappreciated. Doesn’t anyone care about love? Not the peace-on-earth, good-will-toward-man type, but stab-you-in-the-heart, burning-in-your-loins passion. Compare the number of songs about eros to the number about Christmas cheer -- it’s no contest. And would you rather hear “Let’s Get It On” or “Frosty the Snowman”? I’m already blamed for making singles feel lonely and driving up the price of flowers for a day, so hearing how terrific Christmas is just kind of shoots another arrow into my heart. But I don’t care what people say. I’ll just keep loving until the day I die, till the mountains crumble into the sea, always and forever. (Sigh!)
I could kill people for saying Christmas is the best. Obviously, as a holiday, I rock! I think everyone gets all wrapped up in this jingle-bell, holly-jolly crap because they don’t want to admit they’re in love with the dark side. I’m more fun! When else do you get to pretend to be an axe murderer, or Donald Trump? When can you dress up like a slutty witch, a slutty vampiress, or slutty Big Bird? Kids think I’m awesome ‘cause I supply them with practically unlimited candy for weeks. I don’t put any of that “enjoy responsibly” or “childhood obesity” bullshit on them. I say, go ahead and O.D.! The whole point is, do whatever you want for one day. You see, I’m all about the carnivalesque and subverting the social order, if you wanna get theoretical about it. Christmas is just a pagan holiday wrapped in Christian charity and capitalist greed. Hey, did you know that Santa rearranged is Satan?
ST. PATRICK’S DAY:
Green beer, corned beef and cabbage, leprechauns…of course Christmas is more feckin’ wonderful! I’m just an excuse to get bollixed in the miserable month of March.
FOURTH OF JULY:
Christmas? The most wonderful time of year? Anyone who would say that is un-American. If you’d rather sit around a tree singing songs of peace and joy than watch your weird neighbor blow stuff up in his backyard, then you might as well move to China. Think about all the people who died so you could afford that tree. Even though both it and the fireworks were made in China. See, that’s why this country is so great -- we don’t have to make our own stuff. Also, “Silent Night” is a wimpy song. It doesn’t get your blood going. I’d rather hear a Sousa march or that Toby Keith song about putting a boot in everyone’s ass. That’s a good one! More importantly, I believe Santa is a threat to homeland security. His midnight sleigh ride points out vulnerabilities in our airspace to Al-Qaeda. And how do we know Santa’s not a terrorist? He has a beard!
I don’t know what we’re doing wrong. Ecclesiastically, the winter holidays have nothing on us. Like them, we combine secular elements (egg hunts, bonnets) with religion and an astronomical event (the vernal equinox), but for some reason people just aren’t as into us. No one gets in the Easter spirit, do they? I’d say we have a branding problem. I mean, we don’t even know what to call ourselves. Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa get away with calling themselves “the holidays.” THE holidays. How presumptuous! And this is gonna sound mean, but the weak link may be our mascot. The Easter Bunny is a vague character with no real backstory or narrative for kids to invest in. He comes to your house and brings you eggs. I’ll admit, it’s lame! We need something that combines it all. Maybe a superhero Jesus who flies out of the tomb, with a matzo bread cape, dropping marshmallow Peeps from the sky. See, the whole thing is problematic.
Well, I sort of get lumped in with the end-of-year holidays, so I don’t really mind. When people say "this time of year,” I assume they’re referring to me as well. Aren’t they? (Nervous laughter.)
OTHER TIMES OF YEAR (a.k.a. normal life):
Maybe I’m boring, but some people are into that. See, I have this theory that the best times in life are when you’re doing nothing special. In our culture, we’re addicted to peak experiences. We like to get all hyped up and have a rip-roaring time, but afterwards, we’re kind of glad it’s over. There’s an old saying: “fun spelled backwards is ’nuf.” I don’t mean to brag, but I may be more wonderful than all the holidays put together. During me, you might actually get something accomplished at work, spend time staring out a window and have a thought, or realize you’re having a great day when there’s no pressure to do so. Not to get all Jehovah’s Witness on you, but I’d like to propose a year without any holidays, for once, to see if people are happier overall. But maybe if everyone didn’t get all stressed over the holidays, I wouldn’t be so appealing. I guess it’s a yin-yang thing, huh. Anyway, if I had one thing to say to Christmas, it would be “chillax.”