I believe I am uniquely qualified to be Andy Rooney's replacement on 60 Minutes. To see why, just look around my blog, The Human Comedy of Tim Ellis. To support my cause, please "like" the Facebook page (above) and share it with friends!

Here are just a few of my qualifications: 

1. I have bushy eyebrows.
2. I’m great at complaining.
3. I hold a Master’s in Curmudgeonry (M.C.) from an accredited university.
4. I’m younger and “edgier” than Rooney. I think I could lower the average age of 60 Minutes viewers from 65 to at least 58.
5. I collect a lot of useless doodads -- which I hate!
6. It’s like with the Dalai Lama. Once in a generation the soul of a Rooney comes along. I believe I am the reincarnation of Rooney, even though he is still (technically) alive.
7. I hate a lot of things, and I want to share my hate with the world, otherwise it might eat me alive.
8. Did I mention my eyebrows? 

Yes, I started this petition myself. (If you don’t like it, then don’t “like” it.) I wouldn’t bother you if I didn’t think I was the person for the job. This is important. If they don’t replace Rooney soon, and with the right person, well, that would be very bad.

Let’s work together to make this happen for me!

P.S. If you know anyone who works at 60 Minutes, say Mike Wallace or Morley Safer or Leslie Stahl, please tell them how wonderful I would be as Andy’s replacement. Or if you have any dirt on Mo Rocca, please let me know, so I can work on smearing him, in case he gets the nod. Thank you for your support!